The fight is getting too heated right now. How to take a break that actually helps.

Do these four things in the next five minutes

1. Say the pause sentence. Out loud, once, as calmly as you can:

I'm flooded. I need a break. I'll be back at 8:30.

Name a real time. A break with a return time is a pause. A break without one feels like you are leaving, and that can make things worse.

2. Go to a different room. The porch, the bedroom, a walk around the block. Your partner agrees to the break, even mid-sentence. Nobody "wins" by calling it.

3. Do something boring for at least twenty minutes. A shower. Dishes. A puzzle. Slow breathing, where you breathe out longer than you breathe in. Use your hands or your feet.

4. Do not rehearse. No replaying the fight. No writing the perfect comeback. No texting a friend every detail.

That last one surprises people. In a classic experiment by Brad Bushman, angry people who hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who angered them ended up angrier than people who did nothing at all. Doing nothing beat venting.

Signs you are already past the point of talking

You may not feel "flooded." You may just feel right. Check for any one of these:

• Your heart is pounding, or your face feels hot.
• You can't really hear what your partner is saying anymore.
• The same angry sentence keeps looping in your head.
• You've gone quiet and numb, and you're waiting for it to end.

If either of you sees even one, it's time for the break. It doesn't matter who is right.

Researchers Robert Levenson and John Gottman once measured couples' heart rates and sweat while they talked. Couples whose bodies were more stirred up became less happy with each other three years later. It was a small study of 30 couples, so we don't lean on it too hard. You may also have seen a heart-rate number online that marks a danger zone. No study backs a single cutoff. Your own body's signs are a better guide.

How to come back without starting round two

Come back at the time you said. If you are the one who called the break, you restart. Open with a short repair, not your best point:

That came out wrong. Can we try again?

We're okay. Can we stick to one thing?

Talk about one topic only. If it heats up again, take a second break. If one topic floods you twice, save it for another day. And if it's late, it's fine to say you love them and finish tomorrow at seven. Tired 1 a.m. talks rarely fix anything.

It's 11 at night and it started with one charge on the card

It began as a quick question. Now a voice is rising and the words have stopped making sense. You hear yourself say "Fine. Whatever you want," and you don't mean a word of it. You just want it to stop.

That is Andre and Sofia, married eight months, in the book. It is also most couples at some point. Andre is not weak, and Sofia is not cruel. Two bodies are in alarm mode, and nobody thinks well in alarm mode.

When a break is not safe

A break only works if it's respected. If one of you follows the other, blocks a door, or won't let the other leave, that is more than a fight. The same goes if anyone feels afraid. Stop doing couples exercises together. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential: call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. In immediate danger, call 911.

If you are the one who didn't call the break

This is the hard seat. Your partner says the pause sentence and walks out, and you still have three things to say. It can feel like being shut out.

The book has a short note for you. You may feel dismissed. Hold on to the time your partner named, and use the break to settle yourself too. The same don't list applies to you: no replaying, no comeback, no texting a friend.

Notice that the pause sentence is about the person saying it. It says you are flooded. It does not say your partner needs to calm down. Telling your partner they need a break tends to land as one more attack. Call it for yourself.

How long is too long?

The book's floor is twenty minutes, and longer if one of you needs it. A University of Oklahoma student wellness article gives a ceiling too: at least 10 minutes, but no more than 24 hours. It also says to set the return time before you leave, so the other person doesn't feel abandoned.

Past a day, a break starts to look like dropping the topic. If one subject floods you twice, the book's advice is to save it for your next weekly session, when you are both calm and the clock is set.

Make the plan once, while you are both calm

This is the problem The 20-Minute Couples Workbook handles in Session 9, When You're Flooded. You build a break plan together on a calm night: your signs, a signal word, where each of you goes, how long, and who restarts. Nobody makes good plans while flooded, so we make them first.

The Flooding Page at the back is the one page to open mid-fight. It holds the signs, the pause sentence, the do and don't lists, and a line for your own plan.

Repair Phrases You Can Point To is a page of short lines, sorted by what you need to say. When the words won't come, you point at one. Pointing is enough.

If this fight is the same one you keep having, read our page on the fight that never ends next.