# Secrets vs. surprises: how to explain the difference to your child without scaring them - URL: https://www.agentskillpacks.com/guides/secrets-vs-surprises-body-safety - Updated: 2026-10-26 - Book: What Do I Say If...? by Iris Athens (https://www.agentskillpacks.com/books/what-do-i-say-if) ## Short answer A surprise is kept quiet for a little while so someone can be happy later, like a birthday present. It always ends, usually soon, and everyone ends up smiling. A secret is something someone wants hidden, sometimes forever. Some secrets are never okay to keep: about touching or private parts, about someone getting hurt, from parents when a grown-up asked, or ones that make a child feel worried or scared. The simplest rule to teach: if someone says "Don't tell," that is a sign it is time to tell. **Surprise or secret: the difference the book teaches, with its own examples** | Question | A surprise | A secret to tell | | --- | --- | --- | | How long is it kept? | A little while | Sometimes forever | | How does it end? | Soon, and everyone ends up smiling | It does not end on its own | | Example from the book | Your sister is making Dad a birthday card | A grown-up gives you money and says "Don't tell your mom" | | Another example | Your class is planning a party for your teacher on Friday | An online friend says "Delete our chats so your parents don't see" | | How it feels | Fun, a bit exciting | Worried, scared or icky | | What your child does | Keeps it until the big moment | Tells a trusted grown-up. "I don't keep secrets from my mom and dad." | ## Reading the surprise or secret table The table is the whole idea of the chapter in one place. Look at the first two rows. A surprise has an end date, and the end is happy. A secret might be meant to last forever. That one difference is something an 8-year-old can check for themselves. The examples come straight from the book's own quiz. The birthday card and the class party are surprises. The money with "don't tell your mom" and the chat that has to be deleted are secrets to tell. Read them to your child and let them circle the answer. Then ask them how they could tell. Then add the simplest rule on the page. If someone says "Don't tell," that's a sign it's time to tell. ## Why this is the way into the body safety talk Many parents put off the body safety talk because they cannot find a first sentence. Secrets and surprises gives you one. It starts with birthday cards, not with danger. From there the next chapter, Your Body Is Yours, is a short step. Your body belongs to you. Private parts are the parts your swimsuit covers. Nobody should look at them, touch them, or ask you to touch theirs. The main exception is a doctor or nurse checking your health, with your grown-up or another helper in the room. The AAP's guide on [preventing child sexual abuse](https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-home/Pages/Sexual-Abuse.aspx) recommends teaching the real names of body parts and telling children clearly that they will not be in trouble for telling you anything. The CDC adds a fact that shapes the whole chapter: most people who harm children are someone the child or family knows and trusts. So the book focuses on what people do, not on strangers. ## A Sunday visit, and a hug Here is a small moment where this all starts. Your aunt arrives for lunch, bends down and says: > Aw, don't I get a kiss? I came all this way! Your son goes stiff. The book gives him a polite way out: > No hugs today. Can we high-five? And it gives you a job: back him up, right there. The AAP says children may say no to touching or hugging, including from adults. When you back your child up in front of relatives, they learn that "no" works. ## It is never too late to tell The book repeats one message on purpose. If a child kept a secret before and wants to tell now, they can tell today. They will not be in trouble for waiting. Lots of kids wait. It also gives kids a line to start with, because the first sentence is the hardest: > Something happened a while ago, and I need to tell you. If your child tells you something, the book's advice is to stay calm, believe them and thank them. The [Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline](https://childhelphotline.org) at 1-800-422-4453, by call or text, offers free, confidential counseling for adults and kids. It is not a reporting line. It can point you to your state's child protective services. It is a line we repeat on every page for this book: if a child is in danger right now, call 911. ## Chapters to read together, slowly Iris Athens wrote [What Do I Say If...?](/books/what-do-i-say-if) for exactly this problem. The book suggests reading these chapters together. **Secrets vs. Surprises** explains the difference in kid words and ends with the four-question quiz from the table above. **Your Body Is Yours** has eight situations, from unwanted hugs and tickling that won't stop to what is okay at a doctor's visit, each with a calm line to say. **When a Grown-Up Breaks the Rules** covers the harder moments without naming anyone a "bad person": a grown-up who says "don't tell your parents," gifts given in secret, and a coach who texts privately. ## Where this is in the book - Secrets vs. Surprises - Your Body Is Yours - When a Grown-Up Breaks the Rules Kindle: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HP6GP6KY Paperback: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HP7PZ572 Links go to Amazon. ToolGenX publishes this book under a pen name and earns from every sale. This book is not a substitute for supervision or professional help. If a child may be in danger, call 911 or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453. ## Is the book for you? - Yes, if You want to start a body safety talk but do not know how to begin - Yes, if You want words that are clear without being frightening - Yes, if Your child is 8 to 12 and starting to spend time with coaches, clubs and sleepovers - Skip it if Your child has told you something has happened. Stay calm, believe them, and call Childhelp at 1-800-422-4453 for guidance - Skip it if A child is in danger right now. Call 911 ## FAQ ### What is the difference between a secret and a surprise? A surprise is kept quiet for a little while so someone can be happy later, and it always ends, usually soon. A secret is something someone wants kept hidden, sometimes forever. Some secrets are harmless, like a friend's crush. Others are never okay to keep. ### What secrets should a child never keep? The book lists four: a secret about touching or private parts, a secret about someone getting hurt, a secret from your parents that a grown-up asked you to keep, and a secret that makes you feel worried, scared or icky. NCMEC's advice to parents is to ask your child to tell you right away if anyone asks them to keep a secret. ### How do you teach body safety to an 8 year old? Start with ownership. Your body belongs to you, and you can say no to touches you do not want, even from family. Private parts are the parts a swimsuit covers. The one main exception is a doctor or nurse checking your health, with your grown-up or another helper in the room. ### Should I make my child hug relatives? The AAP says children may say no to touching or hugging, including from adults. The book gives kids a polite swap, asking for a high-five instead. Backing your child up in front of relatives teaches them that no works. ### What should I do if my child tells me something happened? Stay calm, believe them and thank them for telling. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453, by call or text, offers free, confidential counseling for adults and kids. It is not a reporting line, and it can point you to your state's child protective services.